I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

Me in Plots with Guns

2012-02-06T17:13:00.000-05:00

So my story "The Wellum" is in the Winter 2012 issue of Plots with Guns. It's the story of a deranged Nancy Drew or Harriet the Spy type who accidentally discovers something terrible. Also, I get to slip in a Charles Fort reference.

The issue includes lots of other great stories (with guns) by:

Eric J. Bandel
Taylor Brown
Terry Butler
Andy Henion
Erik Lundy
Dan Ray
Nick Ripatrazone (novel excerpt)
Tim L. Williams

May all your plots have guns.

Me in Cemetery Dance

2012-01-20T17:44:00.000-05:00

So my short story “The Town Suicide” is in the current issue(#65) of Cemetery Dance: The Magazine of Horror and Suspense. It’s about a townwhere everyone decides to commit suicide. And also love. It’s mostly aboutlove. And people killing themselves.

I just got my contributor copies. I can’t tell you how longI’ve wanted to have a story in a magazine with a cover like that. I think myteenage self would explode if he knew. Not to mention being in a magazine with aninterview with Ray Bradbury and where Peter Straub is writing about the horrorgenre and much of the issue is dedicated to Graham Masterton. Plus my friendDavid Bell (author most recently of Cemetery Girl) has a great story.

Here’s the whole rundown:

Fiction
"Anka" by Graham Masterton
"Saint BrÓnach’s Shrift" by Graham Masterton
"An Excerpt from The Cypress House" by Michael Koryta
"Winter Takes All" by Michael Koryta
"Rainfall" by Maurice Broaddus
"After-words" by Glen Hirshberg
"Dear Diary" by J. A. Konrath
"Manskin, Womanskin" by Lisa Tuttle
"The Book of the Dead" by David Bell
"The Town Suicide" by S. Craig Renfroe, Jr.

Features
"An Interview with Graham Masterton" by J. A. Konrath
"The Stories that Graham Built" by Matt Williams
"Feature Review : Des cendant by Graham Masterton" by W. D. Gagliani
"A Few Words with Michael Koryta" by Brian James Freeman
"New Voices : Maurice Broaddus" by Steve Vernon
"What About Genre, What About Horror" by Peter Straub
"An Interview with Ray Bradbury" by Jonathan R. Eller
"An Interview with Ellen Datlow" by Danica Davidson
"An Interview with Whitley Strieber" by Thomas F. Monteleone

The Usual Suspects
"Words from the Editor" by Richard Chizmar
"Stephen King News : From the Dead Zone" by Bev Vincent
"The Mothers and Fathers Italian Association" by Thomas F. Monteleone
"MediaDrome" by Michael Marano
"Horror Drive-In" by Mark Sieber
"The Last 10 Books I've Read" by Ellen Datlow
"Spotlight on Publishing" by Robert Morrish
"Fine Points" by Ed Gorman
"Cemetery Dance Reviews"
"The Final Question" by Brian James Freeman

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Journaling

2011-12-31T15:42:00.001-05:00

In leiu of a best of list, I thought I'd write a quick bit about a writing life change this year.

I hate journaling or keeping a sourcebook or writing in a diary. I had, in the past, tried. Here’s an entry from the diary I got for Christmas one day after January:

There are no entries. Point is I have often felt writing in a journal is…how can I put this without seeming like a jerk…journaling is idiotic—it’s a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a write everyday person, but on particular projects—not in some touchy feely journal where we discuss our feelings and our day’s events and work out our issues about how we felt about the events of the day. So you can tell I’m perfectly well adjusted—in no need of therapy writing or otherwise.

Point is that at the beginning of every academic year the college I teach at hosts a speaker on more effective teaching. This year it was on creativity. Cathy Anderson (a.k.a. the mystery novelist Cathy Pickens) had done an amazing study of the scientific research. My feeble takeaway was: It takes 66 days to create a habit. She made her students journal for 66 days and found that this was one of the most powerful exercises she had tried.

So this semester for my intermediate fiction students I made them journal for the semester, well over the 66 days. I called it keeping a notebook because I still can’t stand the term journal. And here at the end their stories seem stronger (mostly) and more developed (mostly)…well we’ll call them longer anyway.

As for me. I, for once, took my own advice and did the journaling, too. It’s well beyond the 66 days. And I’m into my second journal. I mean, notebook. I feel the itch. But I’m still a lazy person, a procrastinator at heart so I end up waiting to right before I go to sleep to write in the notebook. Currently I’m writing this right after brushing my teeth.

Over the Thanksgiving break, I picked up The Journal of Joyce Carol Oates 1973-1982. Of course, she’s the queen of words, so hers ended up being 4000 single-spaced typewritten pages. I’m averaging 1 ½-2 pages (clumsy cave-man scrawl-like handwritten), so let’s pretend it’s 2 a day, so that’s 730 pages a year x 9 years into the future if I keep it up = 6570 pages. See if we don’t account for that single-spaced typewritten verses elementary-schooler handwriting then I look pretty prodigious. So basically what I’m saying is that I’m better than Joyce Carol Oates.

Let’s also ignore the fact that unlike my notebook which is full of working out stories and a novel, hers is all in addition to all that insane amount of work she produced. Plus there are these highbrow/mystical thoughts. For example:

“Nietzsche’s loneliness. Stocism; and then frenzy. (Doesn’t stoicism lead to frenzy, in the end?) To aspire to Nietzsche’s aloneness in the midst of love, marriage, family, and community. A feat not even Nietzsche himself could have accomplished.”

As opposed to my somewhat less:

“Sleepy Steven had on an armorall patch.”
Let me explicate: I was sleepy, but I write fiction so I cleverly put that feeling into a persona character, Steven. My first name is Stephen so I went with the alternate spelling to throw people off the trail. I’m not really sure what an “armorall patch” is. I’m pretty sure I was asleep by then.

Point is I’m keeping a journal. Notebook. Whatever. Now to figure out what I want to get hooked on in the next 66 days.

Me on McSweeney's Internet Tendency III

2011-09-26T14:25:00.003-04:00

My piece "Netflix Would Like to Apologize for the Inadvertent Apocalypse" is up at McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Like last time, it's an apology. Only this time it's a sorry corporation.

I had been complaining last week relentlessly about Netflix's bastard child Qwikster. Then someone, who I don't remember because I wasn't really listening to them but instead trying to get them to listen to me, said that it wasn't the end of the world. Well, ha!

It’s the Weight of a Book

2011-07-27T14:53:00.005-04:00

As a lazy bibliophile, I’m sucker for books about book collecting because it’s easier to read than do it. So I read John Baxter’s A Pound of Paper. I think I prefer Larry McMurtry’s Books, but Baxter’s book has a nice light conversational tone and a European/Australian angle that’s worth the reading…if you care about those rectangle things that used to be all the rage with readers.

I say that I’m a lazy lover of books and not just reading. In fact I don’t care much for reading. But books as artifacts never get old. But I’m just not dedicated. One of Baxter’s through-lines is his obsessive search for the works of Graham Greene. I haven’t completed collecting one author. I haven’t went after all the Pulitzer winners or gotten all the books titled starting with the article “The.” But I’ve stumbled onto an 1897 Civil Service Report here and an 1871 six volume set of The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire there. But my gem is a first edition/first printing of Emily Dickinson’s Third Series (the first posthumous publication of some of her poetry). Anyway, the point is it’s haphazard.

Much like this group of my favorite tidbits:

“Most librarians don’t like books any more than butchers like lamb chops.” (I don’t agree with this one, but it’s funny to stereotype).

“I’d stumbled on the great rule of science fiction: ninety per cent of it is crap.”

“Still to come was the ritual of ‘shelving’—placing the book with the now-lengthening line of Greene titles, in chronological order, with a lightly penciled note on the flyleaf giving the price paid and the date purchased.”

“In 1937, Greene notoriously reviewed John Ford’s Wee Willie Winkie, making disparaging remarks about Shirley Temple, then just nine years old. Neither Greene nor Night and Day anticipated that Twentieth Century Fox might sue for libel on Temple’s behalf.”

“[Dick] Cavett—or at least his researchers—latched on to the fact that [Edward] Gorey drew the covers for Doubleday’s paperback reissues of Henry James.

‘What do you think of James today?’ Cavett asked.

An expressionless Gorey replied, ‘I loathed every word he wrote.’”

“What the trade calls delicately ‘anthropodermic bindings’ are rare but not unknown, though, for obvious reasons, nobody is in a hurry to admit they own them.”

And one of my favorite parts of the book is an appendix where Baxter asked book people, writers, agents, publishers, etc. to list the book they would save if their house were on fire. There are some great answers but perhaps the best is where Baxter talks about the limited edition of Fahrenheit 451 that was bound in asbestos.

I imagine that I would go for Dickinson in that case, but if time permitted, I would grab in my other hand the Tales of Mystery and Imagination by Edgar Allan Poe with Illustrations by Harry Clarke, which Heather and I bought to celebrate our first wedding anniversary (the paper anniversary after all). See I’m a softy.

Went to Mycenae and Totally Proved I'm Better Than Henry Miller, Again!

2011-05-17T15:49:00.004-04:00

What the title says. Here's where I did it the first time.

What I Learned from Michael Chabon's Fountain City

2011-04-06T16:44:00.004-04:00

So, I'm on Goodreads--have you heard of Goodreads? It's Facebook for books. Anyway, they have a challenge where you pick how many books you're going to read in 2011. My friend Mel showed me. I played along. I need the encouragement. I don't read as much as I did/should/would, but to be fair if I were able to bind all the student writing I read it would certainly give Vollmann's Rising Up and Rising Down a run for it's length (and that's yearly). It's a pathetically low bar I set for myself, but even so I find myself picking shorter and shorter books to read. Which is why I read Fountain City by Michael Chabon. It's not even a book, but four chapters of a failed book, a "wrecked" book with annotations and miscellany by the author. It was part of McSweeney's 36, so is actually, technically a magazine article, but it's on Goodreads freestanding so I'm counting it as a book. Point is you should read it. I should make my students read it. See how they like it. Having to read stuff. Here's a list of things I learned. I won't go into detail because since this is only four chapters, the spoilers wouldn't be the plot but how Chabon writes about his failure.

How writing can be suicide (non-poet edition).

The care of characters hanged from the "peg board of the imagination."

The role of the random.

Definition of draftitis.

Ditto authorial alienation

Thoughts on writing post-workshop

The need for a novelist's spouse (are you listening, Heather?).

Now to find something shorter to read.

Me on decomP magazinE II

2011-03-01T23:22:00.003-05:00

You'll remember that I was on decomP, a literary magazine, once before. That was about a scientist who got mad.

This time my story "Femme Fatale, Rabid Raccoon" is in the decomP March issue. It's not about an actual raccoon, but there might be a femme fatale in there. It also includes audio of me reading the story, so you can finally hear my voice, the way you've always wanted. Play it for your kids to lull them to sleep. There's lots of other cool stuff in the issue, so poke around.

By the way, decomP is doing a Kickstarter campaign to put out its first print edition, so give.

2nd Annual Post-AWP Awards

2011-02-07T01:08:00.006-05:00

That's right--I'm back. And now time for my 2nd annual post-AWP awards (You of course remember last year’s):

Best crazy question: Building the Literary Robot Panel. So I can’t crazy up the question precisely but here’s the paraphrase—“If we survive in the future, which is doubtful, and go to other planets then we can’t use paper to publish because it’s too heavy. And then there will be Berlusconi-type octopus arms all over everything, taking everything. And then will we just be sending literature to robots?” I may not be doing that crazy justice but you get the idea.

Best response to a crazy question at AWP: I have no response to that. –Travis Kurowski. I’m not doing justice to that either—it was very deadpan and probably not those exact words but again you get the idea.

Best panel where I caught the very last minute because the crowd finally thinned out: Hint Fiction

Best unexpected meeting: David Erlewine

Best sort of expected meeting: It’s a tie. Ben Tanzer & Jesse Waters

Magazine with the best paper: Knee-Jerk Offline Vol 01 MMX

Strangest free magazine: a 1964 Sewanee Review (which is cool because it has a review by one of my favorites: Walker Percy)

Best reason to quit my teaching job: Jhumpa Lahiri’s (unintentional?) dissing of writing professors when she said she chose winning the Pulitzer instead. She didn’t really say that, but it was the subtext.

All winners will be receiving a golden pen (Fine print: all pens are made of dreams and coffee cup sleeves. Finer print: no one is getting anything).

AWP Ready

2011-02-01T22:07:00.004-05:00

Apparently it's snowing somewhere and making it hard to get to AWP, but I’m bound for DC, and I am ready for my AWP experience. I have everything I need:

√A leather bound notebook so that I can write while other people are just talking about writing.

√A laptop to sit in the free Wi-Fi lobby and blog about the conference.

√An odd hat so people will look at me.

√An odd shirt or T-shirt with an odd phrase so that when people are staring straight ahead they'll look at me.

√An odd pair of shoes so that when people are looking down and don’t see my hat or shirt they will notice my shoes and look at me.

√Pre-prepared questions/comments (mostly comments) that are so good they will prove that I am smarter than the people on the panel and that I should have been up there in the first place.

√A limber neck so that I can scan the Bookfair as I talk to someone in case there is someone more important I should be talking to.

√Nonalcoholic whiskey to use for shots with other writers who are using actual whiskey so that I can drink them under the table and thus prove I am a better writer.

√My wife--step one in entourage creation.

Away we go.

Me in DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION 2011 ANTHOLOGY

2011-02-01T21:33:00.003-05:00

So my story "Pre-Revelation Coffee with Ex-Girlfriend" is in the Dogzplot Flash Fiction 2011 Anthology with these cool people:

BILL BARR
LAUREN BECKER
ERIC BENNETT
ALEC BRYAN
ELIZABETH ELLEN
ASHLEY FARMER
SASHA FLETCHER
JON-MICHAEL FRANK
REBECCA GAFFRON
ROXANE GAY
MADDIE GORMAN
BARRY GRAHAM
PAUL GRINER
SHELLY HOLDER
JAMIE IREDELL
DREW KALBACH
STEFAN KIESBYE
JEREMY KELLY
CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY
MAXINE LOPEZ-KEOUGH
ANDREA KNEELAND
LEN KUNTZ
DARBY LARSON
MK LAUGHLIN
BRIAN LE LAY
ROBERT LOPEZ
ROBERT JOHN MILLER
KYLE MINOR
DAVID PEAK
SHANNON PEIL
SAM RASNAKE
MICHELLE REALE
DANIEL ROMO
LINDA SANDS
KELLY SCHIRMANN
MARNIE SHURE
ANI SMITH
E. SODERBACK
BEN SPIVEY
PARKER TETTLETON
XTX

Very cool. Cover image by Sam Pink.

Necessary Fiction's First Footing

2011-01-26T22:04:00.005-05:00

So Necessary Fiction is doing a month of fictional "first footings" where they've "invited our past contributors to let the last line of someone else’s story get a foot in the door of their own fiction."

My contribution is called "The Banshee" and took its footing from Kevin Spaide's story "The Beard." You should definitly read his even if you don't read mine. By the way, his is about a beard and mine is about a banshee.

Me in Jelly Bucket

2010-12-12T10:30:00.002-05:00

So my short story "No One Drowns Here Anymore" is in the 2010 issue of Jelly Bucket, a cool literary journal put out by the MFA program at Eastern Kentucky University. I'd especially like to thank Russell Helms. You can get copy of Jelly Bucket here.

Me in moonShine review

2010-12-10T01:13:00.002-05:00

So my short story “An Introduction to Conflict as Understood by the Philosopher Diogenes” is in the latest issue of moonShine review #12 (Volume 6:Issue 2, that is). It’s more about a father and son than Diogenes. Though it is also about Diogenes, who is one of my favorite philosophers…of all time. He lived in a tub and masturbated in public, like an obscene Oscar the Grouch. The best.

Here’s some other info about the issue: moonShine review #12 released early Dec 2010, just in time for your holiday gift shopping! Only $8 ~ a lot of bang for the buck ~ this issue features fine prose by these talented writers other than me: Billie Bierer, Susan M. Boyer, Jessie Carty, Peg Daniels, Kate V.M. Ferguson, Gary V. Powell, Tom Quinn, Susan Snowden, Bob Strother, and Charlotte Wolf... and gorgeous featured photography by Clarke Armstrong.

Me on the Twitter

2010-11-30T19:18:00.003-05:00

So I've decided to join Twitter. It's been a momentous decision I will soon regret. I mostly made it because blogging is too hard.

I joined today in honor of NaNoWriMo. I thought it was the least I could do in honor of novel writing month. Quite literally the least I could do. Because novels are actually longer than blogs I hear. Geez.

What Kids Want for Christmas: Bitter Cynicism

2010-11-28T00:37:00.003-05:00

Turns out the must-have-but-impossible-to-find gift this Christmas season is the Autobiography of Mark Twain, joining the ranks of Zu Zu Pets and Cabbage Patch Kids. Go books!

Me on McSweeney's Internet Tendency II

2010-10-29T17:43:00.003-04:00

My piece "A Disgraced Congressman Apologizes for His Recent Poor Choices of Costumes" is up at McSweeney's Internet Tendency, as part of their Short Imagined Monologues Series. It's about a Congressman who has bad taste in costumes. It's perfect for the holiday weekend--you can print it out to give trick-or-treaters. They'll love it. Except for the bit about the human centipede. And the phallus.

You should, on second thought, just buy some Reese's. Or like me buy some Reese's for yourself and a fifty pound bag of Tootsie Rolls for the little monsters--they need to earn their own Reese's. That's the problem with this country everybody wants a handout. Buy your own chocolate peanut butter cup.

Last time.

Kick-start Knee-Jerk

2010-10-26T17:26:00.005-04:00

Knee-Jerk, a cool online magazine, is going all retro and putting out a print version. You can help by making a contribution. The level of your contribution will earn you a copy of the magazine, buttons, and/or mix CD. The editors will even make you dinner (geographic restrictions apply on this one, I think). And more...

This first annual print issue of Knee-Jerk will include "fiction, essays, Reviews of Things, artwork, comics, illustrations, and lists by David Shields, Roy Kesey, Kim Chinquee, Joe Meno, Dan Kennedy, John McNally, Zoe Zolbrod, Billy Lombardo, Adam Kidder, Kenny Keil, Aaron Delehanty, and many, many more!"

At the time of this posting, they're only $90 away from their $1000 goal, actually. But I'm sure they'll put any extra to good use.

Me at A Tribute to Novello

2010-09-28T19:22:00.003-04:00

So for nineteen years the Public Library of Charlotte & Mecklenburg County put on the incomparable Novello Festival of Reading. This year it went down with all the budget cuts, but thanks to the tireless work of Mark West (here's a great article about that work) there will be a tribute to Novello, with the hope that it will support the library system and that there will be a return to Novello in the future.

On October 2nd, I'll be taking part in the Short Story Writers Panel with Robert Boisvert and Aimee Parkison. There will be other great events that day at the Main Library, 310 North Tryon Street, Charlotte. Here's the press release.

Me in the Journal of Microliterature

2010-08-25T16:30:00.004-04:00

So my flash fiction "The Substitute" is now up over at the Journal of Microliterature. This piece has some of my favorite stuff, like Poor Richard's Almanack and the god Set.

Let me also recommend John P. McCann's "Death Honk" there. Read it just to have context for the line, "'Pie that damn bear!'"

Out of the The Red and The Black

2010-08-24T20:35:00.003-04:00

So I actually finished this some time ago, but was not up to chattering on about it, what with the beginning of the semester, the relative joys of advising and syllabus writing--so relative. I can say reading Stendhal's The Red and the Black over the summer felt like an accomplishment. I can also say it wasn't always a pleasure, as I sympathize with others who feel it is slow to modern tastes. But also it is shockingly fast in places, like where Julien gets his military dream and then is drawn back all in the space of a few small paragraphs. And I guess I wasn't prepared for the focus on romance though I have to say it's an unusal love triangle.

What I found very modern was the creation of Julien, a character so irreligious in a religious time (even if it were all hypocrisy) and so bent on social climbing, he would do splend in contemporary America--replace all that talk of class with celebrity. My favorite line comes as he finds a sort of peace with himself in prison but is plagued with visitors: "'The worst of all prison's miseries,' he thought, 'is not being able to close the door.'"

a la carte!

2010-08-22T20:24:00.008-04:00

That's right; it's here: A La Carte: Short Stories that Stir the Foodie in All of Us, a 2010 MSR Short Fiction Anthology edited by me. It contains amazing stories from the likes of:

Ted Chiles
David Erlewine
Hugh Fox
Molly Gaudry
Kathie Giorgio
Russell Helms
Ann Hillesland
Carol K. Howell
Jac Jemc
Jason Jordan
Michael Kardos
Letitia L. Moffitt
Joseph R. Quinlan
Mary McLaughlin
Nicole Louise Reid
Ben Tanzer
Eric Vrooman

Please enjoy their fabulous food tales. Buy it here.

Me on MicroHorror

2010-08-12T17:50:00.003-04:00

So my flash fiction "I Love Medusa!" is up on MicroHorror. Because Heather thought "Giant Panda Monster" was about her, I accidentally didn't share this one with her, but she ended up reading it on MicroHorror. And it turns out it's about her too, which I deny. Sure she claims she won a costume contest by dressing up as Medusa, and sure she claims she told me about this, and sure she claims she showed me pictures. But I don't remember that. And I certainly can't be held responsible for what my subconscious does.

Me on Hobart

2010-07-30T17:54:00.004-04:00

My story "Giant Panda Monster" is in the August Issue of the online Hobart. It's a story straight out of my fascination with giant pandas, big monster movies, and love. And according to my wife, it's an allegory for my marriage. Many thanks to Andrea Kneeland for including it in such an excellent issue.

Here are my favorite lines from fellow contributors:

Lauren Becker, "Do You Know Jesus Christ?": "Jed and Lark started to make out by the refrigerator and I talked to a cute guy and watched the lonely hot dogs move slowly around the cooker."

Rachel Lyon, "The Whale and the Waterslide": "'Whales don’t like the same things people do, Dale.'"

Matt Mullins, "Arion Resigns": "typing my own ransom memo for the corporate pirates who pay me in somnambulistic days."

Kristine Ong Muslim, "We Figure the Leaves": "In time, the leaves learn to take our postures, to talk, to make themselves look beautiful in the eyes of other leaves."

Justin Taylor, interviewed by Matthew Simmons: "And what about Michelle Trachtenberg?"

Check it out.

The Indomitable Jason Jordan

2010-07-26T17:54:00.009-04:00

So my title just came to me, and I fear it's because of the Robert Jordan book The Indomitable Conan. Okay, a quick Google check and it turns out that actually Steve Perry wrote Conan the Indomitable. Stay with me a second, I'm still going to say it makes some sense since Jason is clearly a Conan of the literary world (for god's sake, look at that picture...that's clearly a literate badass), slaying his enemies and whatnot, not with violence but with his scimitar sharp writing...okay, I'm pushing this, but here's why:

Now out for your reading pleasure, Jordan's new story collection Cloud and Other Stories and a new version of his earlier collection Powering the Devil's Circus: Redux. Jason Jordan is a widely published writer of powerful stories and the editor of the literary magazine decomP. These books contain his stories, stories full of dark absurdism and compassionate realism. These are stories that make you feel the primal essence of life, like Conan screaming over a battlefield.

All right, forget Conan. But read Jason Jordan's new collections.

Me in Thumb Smudge Java

2010-07-23T18:34:00.004-04:00

I brag a lot--mainly because I'm a braggart. But in this instance, though I am bragging, it is for others.

Two of my students (former?) Joel Ferdon and Josiah McGinnis have started their own literary magazine called Thumb Smudge Java. My piece "Coming This Fall: Stuff Posted on Facebook!" is in the premiere issue with some other great (probably better) stuff, stuff that has not been posted on Facebook and in fact has to be read in print (unless they put it on their Web site, in which case check it out there).

So please support them by submitting your work (they're reading for Issue 2 now) and by getting the first issue (give them your money).

Me on Dogzplot 2

2010-07-19T12:37:00.004-04:00

You remember last time I had a flash fiction piece on Dogzplot. Ants...Sermon on the Mount...well, you get it. Anyway, this time I have another "religious" (that's right I used quotation marks) piece called "Pre-Revelation Coffee with Ex-Girlfriend."

P.S. Dear ex-girlfriend(s), this is not about you.

Me in Knee-Jerk

2010-07-08T18:56:00.006-04:00

So my story "We Sin Like Wolves" is in lucky Issue 13 of Knee-Jerk magazine. It was a great experience working with Jonathan Fullmer, who made me see the story in a whole new way. So you should probably see it now.

This issue also includes a cool interview with Print Ball organizers Fred Sasaki (associate editor at Poetry), Nell Taylor (founder and executive director of the Chicago Underground Library), and Sarah Dodson (director and managing editor of MAKE: A Literary Magazine). Plus there's exceptional work from Alba Machado, Amanda Marbais, and Robert Repino.

What's in an Epigraph?

2010-07-05T21:01:00.003-04:00

So as you will recall, totally, I am reading The Red and the Black. You know what's great? No? According to the translator Raffel, Stendhal either misquoted or made up most of the epigraphs at the beginning of the chapters: "Professor Jean-Jacques Hamm has concluded that only fifteen of the seventy-five epigraphs in The Red and the Black are correctly and verifiably attributed." I like to think he made them up, especially this one:

And am I to blame
If that's how things are?
--Machiavelli

Who's in (to) The Red and The Black

2010-06-29T15:55:00.004-04:00

So some friends and I decided to read Stendhal's The Red and the Black--some good old fashioned beach reading. That's right, it's durn near a book club. I now see what all those people saw in having Oprah give them assigned reading.

Melody picked it out of a list we came up with. I think I suggested it for the list because of James Wood's references to it in How Fiction Works. I had actually avoided reading it in the past. I guess because of what I thought it was about. Which isn't really what it's about. What did I think it was about? Class, I guess. Which it is. Damn, I'm contradicting myself. Oh well, I contradict myself. Someone said that. But not about class the way I fear fiction is sometimes about class.

First I had to pick a translation. Damn foreigners writing in some other language. If you're going to be a famous author of classic literature, write in English! Preferably American.

So turns out translations are complicated. I settled on Burton Raffel's for The Modern Library because of this but have reservations because of that. I felt better about my choice when I went back and saw that Wood uses what is generally considered the "bad" translation.

I've just begun, but I'm already happy to see Stendhal take on some of my favorite topics, like spite and anger. Here's a couple character descriptions that I could apply to several people I know but won't name here, so if I know you, then it's probably you:

"...by clear signs of self-satisfaction and conceit, topped off by who knows what limitations, what lack of originality. Finally one is aware that his talents are confined to making sure he is paid exactly what he is owed, while paying what he himself owes only at the last possible moment."

Or

"...he was a tall young man, strongly built, with a florid face and great black whiskers--one of those coarse creatures, shameless and loud, that they call, in the provinces, good fellows."

Try these two as well:

"...he had learned by heart the entire New Testament in Latin; he also knew Monsieur de Maistre's On the Pope--and had no more belief in the one than in the other"

Or

"He thought that making a stop at church would be important to his hypocrisy."

Good stuff.

Me on Wigleaf's Long Shortlist

2010-06-10T20:27:00.004-04:00

So stuff apparently happens when you're gone. For example, The Wigleaf Top 50 came out, a list of great online [very] short fictions, this year judged by the amazing Brian Evenson. The list had the likes of Matt Bell, Aaron Burch, Dan Chaon, Dennis Cooper, William Gibson, Barry Graham, Brad Green, Stephen Graham Jones, and Kevin Wilson.

I'm just happy that my story "Death Babies" published in Flash Fiction Online made it to the Long Shortlist.

There and Back, Again

2010-06-07T20:18:00.006-04:00

So summer travel is mostly done. I can sit in one place for a couple of weeks at least. And get bored. I'm getting stir crazy already. The good thing about travel is that you learn stuff. Often stuff you didn't know. Or didn't even know you didn't know.

Like I'd been to Christ Church oodles of times (well three at least) and had not taken note of the heart relic. See that picture, there's a mummified heart, a human heart, in there. Some saint or other. Religious people are strange.

Or say you find yourself in Scotland only to learn it is the only country (let's not quibble over whether or not it is actually a country--viva la devolution!) where another soda outsells Coke. That soda is neon orange, stains your clothes if you spill it, and tastes...wait for it...like bubblegum, like Dubble Bubble bubblegum. That atrocious sounding concoction is called Irn Bru and I loved it.

While there I also learned that not all whisky comes from Tennessee and has to be drunk with Coke Zero. I was introduced to and fell madly in love with single malt whisky (what we'd call Scotch).

Those are only some of my learnings. I probably gained a greater appreciation of the world and its diversity. But I thought it more important to dwell on the drinking and disembodied heart.

Volcano Blues

2010-05-15T08:57:00.003-04:00

Here's a picture from the plane on our way to Ireland of the volcano spewing ash that made us have to fly to Iceland around the spewing volcano to finally get to Ireland. But we did. Get there. And hopefully it will allow us to leave one day.

The Evil Clown Interview

2010-05-09T20:55:00.000-04:00

Submit Your Novella

2010-05-06T21:50:00.010-04:00

You know what's cool. Novellas. They're like the flash fiction of novels. And we know flash fiction is hot right now. So where are the novellas?

Main Street Rag Publishing Company wants to do a novella series: 12 novellas, one a month for a year. And as I'm overseeing the series, I want to see the best. Better than crap like Of Mice and Men or Heart of Darkness or Animal Farm or Metamorphosis.

Here are details:

Reading Period: Right now! to August 1st. That's right, over the summer, so while all the sissy U lit mags are closed, dust off the novella and send it to us.

Length: 30,000-50,000 words

Content: Open. Your best. Better than that if possible.

Text: Regular manuscript format (double space, Times New Roman, tabs/no space between paragraphs).

Submit: In a first for Main Street Rag, we are accepting email submissions (only in this series): editor@mainstreetrag.com

Want more details, much like the ones above? Go here.

Let the Productivity Begin!

2010-05-06T00:00:00.003-04:00

Ha. That's right. Ha! I'm finished. The grades are in, and I am free. Free to focus. To be truly productive. For example, I made this on an animation site:

Over in the Underground: For Sale

Time well spent. I'm going to be so accomplished by the end of this summer. I just feel it.

Almost Forgot

2010-04-21T22:23:00.004-04:00

NatPoMo!

Me in NANO Fiction

2010-04-19T21:03:00.003-04:00

So my nano, as in tiny, fiction called "Call Back" is in the latest issue of NANO Fiction (that would be Volume 3 Number 2 to be specific). The issue includes work by luminaries like Jac Jemc and Kyle Hemmings.

And lots of others like Nicholas T. Brown, Ryan Call, Brian Allen Carr, Gabe Durham, Avital Gad-Cykman, Frank Giampietro, Jenny Gillespie, Jennifer Gravley, Kate Hagerman, Ann Hillesland, Janet Jennings, Suzanne Lamb, Brandon Lamson, Cynthia Litz, Joël Martinez, Stephanie Martz, Scott McWaters, Katherine Megear, Amanda Montei, M.V. Montgomery, Adam Moorad, Thomas Mundt, Fred Muratori, Thisbe Nissen, Sophie Rosenblum, Tom Whalen, Timothy Willis Sanders, Stephanie Valente, and L.A. Zimmerman. All very nice, except for Tom Whalen. Kidding. Just figure no one reads these lists.

Back from...Denver

2010-04-12T23:35:00.004-04:00

That's right--I'm back. And now time for my annual, meaning this year, AWP awards:

Best quote on a panel: "The people here are hornier to get published than to get laid," by Richard Peabody (I think he said that...hmm...maybe I should be sure of such things before I assign words to people's mouths).

Runner-up: "Getting paid by the word just feels righteous," by Stephen Graham Jones (that might not be the actual wording, but he said most of those words I'm pretty sure and for no money...wait, do panelists get paid by the word?).

Worst hotel elevators: The Sheraton.

Best drink I had too many of: Milk Stout at the Wynkoop Brewing Company.

Best panel I did not attend: Flarf.

Worst introduction: Woman who introduced George Saunders, by confessing she had never read his work and, when she did bring herself to read it, didn't like it and yet didn't have the decency to step down from introducing him or just keep it to herself but instead thought it best to tell everyone that and basically imply, if not outright say, that he should try and write some different kind of stuff--you know, good stuff.

Best introduction: Etgar Keret who read before Saunders and said that if there was to be a commercial for humanity, George Saunders should be in it.

Best party I stood around awkwardly at before deciding to quickly leave: Flatmancrooked's.

Best nonconference moment: Bouldering outside the Denver flagship REI. By which I mean, getting four inches off the ground on a fake boulder outside the REI store where I bought some nice pants and the wife bought a belt. We're outdoorsy that way.

I'm Off to...Denver

2010-04-06T17:33:00.003-04:00

Going to AWP this year seems to be a little contentious. Maybe it is every year and I just don’t pay attention. I don’t pay much attention. At any rate if you’re not going, you can attend Meg Pokrass’s A Barbaric yAWP Party. Same difference. Probably more fun—less flying at least.

But I’m bound for Denver, and I am ready for my AWP experience. I have everything I need:

√A leather bound notebook so that I can write while other people are just talking about writing.

√A laptop to sit in the free Wi-Fi lobby and blog about the conference.

√An odd hat so people will look at me.

√An odd pair of shoes so that when people are looking down and don’t see my hat they will notice my shoes and look at me.

√Pre-prepared questions/comments (mostly comments) that are so good they will prove that I am smarter than the people on the panel and that I should have been up there in the first place.

√A limber neck so that I can scan the Bookfair as I talk to someone in case there is someone more important I should be talking to.

√Nonalcoholic whiskey to use for shots with other writers who are using actual whiskey so that I can drink them under the table and thus prove I am a better writer.

√My wife--step one in entourage creation.

Away we go.

Me on JMWW

2010-03-16T22:41:00.003-04:00

So my flash fiction "Kill Tig!" is in the Spring 2010 Special Flash Issue of JMWW edited by the incomparable and ubiquitous David Erlewine. My flash is about two brothers. I have brothers. Don't read anything into it. Unless you want to, which would mean you would have to read it, which I would not be opposed to. The issue is full of luminaries like Rusty Barnes, Matt Bell, Michael Czyzniejewski, Erin Fitzgerald, Meg Pokrass, Kevin Wilson and more. I especially enjoyed Robert Swartwood's hint fiction "10 Items or Less."

Brick

2010-03-15T22:35:00.004-04:00

No, it's not that Ben Folds Five abortion song. It's a reading. It was last Friday night so you missed it unless you were there or were watching the streaming video, in which case I'm sure you enjoyed it. Good news, though, they'll be more I hear and you should watch out here. I think.

Anyway, I happen to be in Nashville area because of Heather, and I saw the word about the reading so we headed out. It was put on by Todd Dills of THE2NDHAND and Peter Cole of Keyhole Press. The reading was worth it. Jason Jordan started it off and read a great story you should look for in the future at The Northville Review, though you'll miss his deadpan delivery (also he has a better rundown of this reading). Then, Eric Durchholz in a bloody shirt (fashion, not murder, I think) read from Heartless. Lydia Ship rounded it out with two fun and poignant flash fictions, one of them made Bank of America change its overdraft policy--check out the other one at Night Train. Then, Todd Dills and the three readers round-robined on the theme of building with brick. Good stuff.

In related news, Heather very much liked her Husky mug of cafe au lait at the Portland Brew.

More Stuff I've Been Enjoying (Spring Break Edition)

2010-03-10T18:20:00.005-05:00

You'll remember that last time I had a list of stuff that I'd been reading online and was trumpeting their value. So I'm doing that again. Why? Because I should get credit for reading these things. In order to be listed here, I had to actually read most, if not all, of the article--that is true commitment in Internet reading...at least the way I do it.

The JMWW interview of Kevin Sampsell.
"John T. Reed's analysis of Robert T. Kiyosaki's book Rich Dad, Poor Dad." Unlike Poe who thought beauty was all dead young women, I think there is nothing more beautiful than a charlatan being exposed. This thing is long. I went to a coffee shop to work on THE NOVEL (which is not this NOVEL) and spent my hour reading this instead. I can't get enough.
"The Injustice Collector: Is James Joyce’s grandson suppressing scholarship?" by D. T. Max. Not sure who I pull for in this one.

By now, you'll have realized none of this reading seems particularly Spring Break related. The key connection is that I'm reading it while on Spring Break! I have also been reading lots of student work that does not appear online (I hope), but some of which is also very nice. Go Spring Break!

A KFC Triviality is a Terrible Thing to Waste

2010-02-24T20:26:00.004-05:00

So I'm watching Celebrity Jeopardy the other day which is strange because I never watch Jeopardy, I mildly hate it because I don't know the answers. I also can't do crosswords and only the easy sudoku. I fear this means I'm only moments away from senility. I tell myself that writing will be enough mind exercise. Then I read that those who write in long sentences are less likely to contract Alzheimer's. But what's long? So be a Faulkner and not a Hemingway, not that it helped with the alcohol and shotgun.

Where was I? Am I mental already? These sentences aren't nearly long enough. Celebrity Jeopardy: David Duchovny was in the lead but lost it all because he didn't know who Colonel Sanders is/was (how does one verb a dead person who lives on as brand pitchman?). So the rough beast keeps slouching towards Bethlehem.

61 ACROSS Place to get drunk in the kitchen?

David Gessner Is Transformative

2010-02-12T23:16:00.003-05:00

It's snowing again. Maybe I will just blog exclusively during snow. This particular post was meant to be up last week when David Gessner actually visited the college and my class. He showed the below video of him mocking both the hum and haw professor and the bovine blankness of the worst classes. That's my take. Or maybe he's just enjoying himself.

Ha. Also, give his essay Those Who Write, Teach a look.

Me on Thuglit, again

2010-02-03T14:04:00.002-05:00

That's right, I'm back with the thugs (I say that with all respect) at Thuglit in Issue 35. Remember the last time I had a story in Thuglit about Russian roulette? Well this time it's a sweet tale called "Come to Roost" about a couple settling down with banana hallucinogen, a missing bulldog named Roost, and a sociopath thrown in.

Stuff I've Been Enjoying

2010-01-30T13:43:00.005-05:00

It's a SNOW DAY, not the movie. And honestly, not a real snow day because it's a Saturday. What a waste. And I can tell you that textbook reps are working. I just got another email about them wanting to help me with my book needs for summer and fall. There's snow, people, even if it's not cool like this one time. I'm not thinking about summer. Or textbooks. Here's some things I have been thinking and reading about:

James Patterson Inc.: "I’m less interested in sentences now and more interested in stories" --James Patterson.
J.D. Salinger, famed, reclusive author of 'Catcher in the Rye,' dies at age 91: John Hodgman wrote: "I prefer to think JD Salinger has just decided to become extra reclusive."
A Good Author Is Hard to Find by The Rejectionist: "Rendered in a labyrinthine and frequently unintelligible grammar, the truly awful query is often notable for its length, its torrid verbosity, and the mechanical specificity of its sex scenes, which tend to read like appliance-repair manuals in their exhaustive and emotionless depictions of moving parts."

I would like to note that I did not "enjoy" Salinger's death (though I have noted my ambiguous feelings elsewhere about famous author obits), which made me sad. And I mean sad, even though I know plenty of people who would say a 91-year-0ld dying is nothing to be sad about. These people can say this because they are not old. But they will be (maybe).

Other People's Writerly Advice Tip #5

2010-01-23T11:23:00.006-05:00

This helpful suggestion series returns after a short hiatus of...what is it...year and a half? Anyway, last time you'll remember that the tip was on why you should get an MFA. Well, you've had time by now to get that MFA and write your first or possibly fourth novel and now you're in the heat of revision. So here's Martin Amis's tip on style that every reviser needs. I ran across it in a footnote as I read his memoir Experience:

John Gross was one of my two significant early editors, along with Terence Kilmartin of the Observer. he instilled a rule in me, one I still follow in fictional prose as well as journalism and book reviews. Never start consecutive paragraphs with the same word--unless (I add to myself) you begin at least three paragraphs this way and the reader can tell that you're doing it on purpose. John is right. It looks uglily inattentive, clunking against the eye as well as the ear.

This tip I think is obviously true, but I wonder at its mechanical or mathematical nature. Won't there be or isn't there already a program that will scan a piece of writing for style. Image StyleCheck right there with SpellCheck and GrammarCheck. Instead of an anthropomorphized paperclip, a little picture of Joyce pops up: "Are you trying to writing in stream of consciousness?" Ah, the future! Where all our soul-crushing laziness will be realized!

The Girl in the Woods

2010-01-16T19:28:00.004-05:00

Remember that zombie book I blogged about? Well, I finished the author's second book: my friend David Jack Bell's creepy, possibly supernatural thriller (is that a bad word?) The Girl in the Woods. Great, keep me up too late at night so I'm tired teaching the next day, stuff. Not convinced? Here's the book trailer:

Also, I just found out that Dave and I will (tentatively) have stories in the same issue of Cemetery Dance out this summer.

Me on 365 Tomorrows

2010-01-10T11:12:00.004-05:00

It's the new year! Happy New Year, blog! And some, that is none, of you will remember last year when I vowed to blog more. That turned out swimmingly, so this year I am vowing to blog less just to take the pressure off last year.

This post is not only the first of the new year, but one in which I brag about my writing going up somewhere in the vastness of the Internet. Today, my flash fiction piece "Relative Weather" is featured at the amazing 365 Tomorrows. See that's fitting what with us being in the future of 2010, where we'll all get giant blue bodies or if we're bad guys machine exo-skeletons.

Anyway, "Relative Weather" is about relatives who are trapped by weather--get it? Also, an attempt to control said weather that, as expected, goes awry. When will people learn? Probably 2010!

I Read Twilight and I Loved It!

2009-12-27T15:48:00.003-05:00

That's right I love Twilight. Not the Mormon fairy tale of repressed sexuality, which I'm sure is great. True this Twilight does have sex with dead people, but not in the way the tweens would really get into. William Gay's Twilight is a Southern gothic, heavy on the gothic, where a prissy and perverse mortician is blackmailed by a brother and sister and in turn sics Sutter on them, Sutter being the kind deranged monster that perhaps only the South can produce. Anyway, good holiday reading.

Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon: DAY 4

2009-12-20T08:33:00.002-05:00

So it's Day Four, the final day, of the Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon. I have 18 hours...will I make it to 24 hours? See I could write action suspense. That question probably has you on the edge of your seat alone. Anyway, it will be harder today with family obligations and whatnot.

And this is my last plea to you to sponsor me: You can still donate. And it supports a good cause.

Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon: DAY 3

2009-12-19T08:48:00.003-05:00

So it's Day Three of the Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon. I've made it to 12 hours--halfway to my goal of 24 hours during the write-a-thon. Yesterday was easier, most of my time completed in a Starbucks. I know some people cringe at writing in coffee shops what with it being cliche and all. Plus the fear that such a corporate environment could seep into their writing. I just don't see it. I mean, the table over from me had a T-Rex balloon animal in the center and two guys explaining to this teenager how much money you can make as a freelance balloon animal artist and all he had to do was buy the $60 start-up kit from them and take a few hours of unspecified lessons. See there is art everywhere, even in the corporate caffeinated soul of America.

I should probably work on that 6 hour goal for today.

Thank you to those who have sponsored me and if you still want to but haven't:You can still donate. And it supports a good cause.

Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon: Day 2

2009-12-18T13:17:00.003-05:00

So it's Day Two of the Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon. I achieved my goal of writing for six hours yesterday though under duress. As Heather shopped at the Northlake Mall, I wrote in the Borders where I heard great snatches of conversation like:

Girlfriend(?): I'm not buying you another book. I got you one last year, and you didn't even read three pages of it.
Guy: But this one's about war!

Anyway, I should get started. Goal: 6 more hours today.

You can still donate. And it supports a good cause.

Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon: DAY 1

2009-12-17T10:28:00.003-05:00

It's Day One of the Dzanc Books Write-a-Thon. I have my prompt and I have my laptop and I have my goal of writing 24 hours over the next four days, so I'm hoping to get 6 hours today. Problem: the wife is off today and needs me to run errands with her. So this may be piecemeal. So I should probably stop writing this and get to work.

You can still donate. And it supports a good cause.

There’s Still Time

2009-12-13T13:46:00.003-05:00

To sponsor me in Dzanc Books Write-A-Thon. Every dollar counts. You’ll be essentially making me write for twenty-four hours straight.* You could win fabulous prizes.** Just think of the crazy things I’ll write that you can read for your low, low donation of anything you want to donate.*** Sponsor me today!****

*Straight here only means chronologically and may be stretched out over four days with breaks in between for eating, bathroom stops, sleep, drinking, video gaming, gardening, cartooning, romance novel reading, and sexual intrigue.
**There are no prizes. But you will get to see what I write during the event, so that’s sort of like a prize.
***The writing my not, in fact, be crazy, but instead only eyebrow raising. Admittedly it will probably be a domestic drama. With a band of rabid possums thrown in. One can never tell.
****Tomorrow will also be fine.

How Do I Cite My Comment on LiveJournal?

2009-12-11T11:21:00.006-05:00

Did you know there's this thing called Twitter? I know! Right? Anyway, I don't tweet because I can barely semi-monthly blog and my facebook updates have become so obligatory I call my mom more often so I have room for the extra guilt for not facebooking.

Though I'm not a denizen of Tweetville, my friend Jeff pointed me to one that makes me want to join just to follow them: FakeAPStylebook. At Fake AP Stylebook you can find answers to all your unasked style questions and concerns. Here are just a few of my favorite examples:

"The word 'totally' is redundant except when describing how rad something is."
"Italicize words to give your story that gangsta lean."
"'Teh' is a common misspelling of 'the.' Add it to your rival's spell-check dictionary. "

Oh and the answer to that pesky LiveJournal question: "Comments on LiveJournal posts do not need citations."

Sponsor Me in Dzanc Books Write-A-Thon

2009-12-02T16:27:00.007-05:00

So I'm participating in the 2009 Dzanc Books Write-A-Thon which will take place December 17th through the 20th. I'll be writing for twenty-four hours over the write-a-thon. That's like a day. Though spread over four days, so not so crazy as writing for twenty-four hours straight which would probably result in my writing even worse than normal.

You can sponsor me by going here. You'll receive updates as to my progress. And I would be grateful. And thank you.

For those that don't already know, and if not, you really should: Dzanc is a non-profit independent publishing company that supports literary magazines, small presses, and funds writing programs in public schools, as well as the Dzanc Prize, which benefits not only the writer awarded it but pays for a community based project like writing workshops in prisons or cancer centers.

If you would like to get involved in the Write-A-Thon, please email Dan Wickett at dan@dzancbooks.org.

How Many Poisoning Stories Can There Be?

2009-11-24T18:07:00.004-05:00

So it's Thanksgiving break and I'm with my wife (formerly known here as Heather) visiting the in-laws. And we also visited one of my favorite places on earth: McKay's Used Media (or some such) where you take in the books your tired of and the cd's that no longer have any relevance whatsoever and they give you credit to get more books that you might one day tire of. I'm wandering the creative writing reference aisle, and I see this catchy title Howdunit: The Book of Poisons. It's part of the Writers Digest Books on how to get your crime facts straight. I actually have the original one about police procedure and criminal acts but a whole book on poison? How many stories can one write where someone gets poisoned? Naturally, I had to have it, but then I got distracted by Norman Mailer's The Spooky Art and forgot to put it in my basket. Though I failed to get me a copy, I thought it would still make Thanksgiving-appropriate reading.

Me on Necessary Fiction

2009-11-11T22:08:00.004-05:00

So my story "Herman and the Elephant" is up at Necessary Fiction. It's about a kid named "Herman." And an elephant. Also, Steve Himmer is a killer editor--he brought the best out of the story.

Nikitas and The Long Division

2009-11-10T20:36:00.005-05:00

Over the weekend, the ball and chain and I went to see the Queens production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. It was a fantastic show. So I'm thinking about Shakespeare. And thinking about as I grow older--now that I'm married I feel older already--I find myself liking Shakespeare. That seems insipid having written it, but before I'd have said, "Of course, I like Shakespeare" because...I mean, you have to like Shakespeare. But what I'm saying now is that I actually like Shakespeare.

Which brings me to my friend Derek Nikitas, whose novel The Long Division has recently been released to rave reviews. Including this one where he's compared to...that's right, Shakespeare!

Me in NewPages

2009-10-27T19:23:00.003-04:00

So there's a review of the Spring 2008 issue of roger: an art and literary magazine in NewPages. The reviewer Terri Denton says of my story "The Villain" that "its subtle humor ... brilliantly leaves you feeling just a bit uneasy." I love leaving people uneasy.

More importantly, of the whole issue she writes, "I smiled through every page, and was truly sad when I was done, though I know that I will go back to it again and again, and it will be as old novels, dog-eared pages indicating that it has been loved." I can't agree more. If you haven't already, check out roger.

Readings Not Included in the Wedding

2009-10-22T22:28:00.005-04:00

So I got married to the lovely and talented Heather. And people probably thought we'd write our own vows being writerly types--no way, too much pressure, so we went traditional. But we did have ideas about readings. We ultimately decided against them for many reasons. Here are a couple I was advocating for:

From Jack Pendarvis's Awesome, one of the characters says: A few years later I said to Glorious Jones [his wife], Remember when I rubbed pumpkin pie filling all over my face and nobody laughed? And she said yes. I don't know, I think that really sums up marriage.

Also wanted to use the poem "Marriage" by Gregory Corso. You can read the whole thing here. But here's an excerpt:

O God, and the wedding! All her family and her friends

and only a handful of mine all scroungy and bearded

just wait to get at the drinks and food -

And the priest! he looking at me as if I masturbated

asking me Do you take this woman for your lawful wedded wife?

And I trembling what to say say Pie Glue!

I kiss the bride all those corny men slapping me on the back

She's all yours, boy! Ha-ha-ha!

And in their eyes you could see some obscene honeymoon going on -

Then all that absurd rice and clanky cans and shoes

Niagara Falls! Hordes of us! Husbands! Wives! Flowers! Chocolates!

All streaming into cozy hotels

All going to do the same thing tonight

The indifferent clerk he knowing what was going to happen

The lobby zombies they knowing what

The whistling elevator man he knowing

Everybody knowing! I'd almost be inclined not to do anything!

Stay up all night! Stare that hotel clerk in the eye!

Screaming: I deny honeymoon! I deny honeymoon!

Why we didn't end up using them, I'll never know.

(pictured me and the missus honeymooning on the beach)

Me on Flash Fiction Online

2009-10-03T11:31:00.004-04:00

So my story "Death Babies" is in the October issue of Flash Fiction Online. It's not what you think--no babies die...well, okay, one dies, but that is beside the point. The issue also includes great Halloween appropriate stories from Kristine Kathryn Rusch and Damon Shaw. And I'm overjoyed that the issue includes an essay from Poe and a story from Lovecraft.

Imaginary Movie

2009-09-29T18:23:00.003-04:00

So I was talking to my friend Derek when naturally The Great Space Coaster came up. But he, like so many others, didn’t remember a short cartoon where a husband (son?) pretends to be inanimate objects until he disappears into the clutter of the house. It freaked my young mind, but maybe I imagined this existential parable.

Which reminded me, I saw this movie when I was young…how young, I can’t say…school-age…I’ve never left school, but younger than I am now.

I saw this movie…or maybe I imagined it. A ship got lost in the Bermuda Triangle…it had to be the Triangle…and wound up on a calm sea covered entirely by these vines so thick you could walk from one trapped ship to another using snow shoes…which they oddly enough had or maybe they just made some out of tennis rackets, which oddly they had. Below the vines, under the water was some kind of sea monster that would occasionally eat someone. I believe the bad guy had a trapdoor to the sea monster on his ship for people that displeased him.

But it’s the image of all these ships caught in vines on a still sea that I love…that still stops me sometimes. An image good enough to be in Moby Dick. Maybe it was a movie adaptation of Moby Dick.

In the age of Google all things should be at hand, but I can’t think of enough to even being a search—other than Bermuda Triangle which I tried and didn’t seem to do the trick.

If I didn’t make up this film, I should probably never see it at any rate. Keep reality from killing the dream.

Chillax Badass

2009-09-26T14:24:00.003-04:00

What do people think about the term “badass”? Still cool, right? Let’s forgo discussing the relative coolness of using the word “cool.” But badass still has some cache, even with the loss of the sting of taboo connected to “ass,” which barely registers as a curse anymore. Much more cache anyway than the stillborn "chillax." Can anyone really use this word and not sound like an Arnold Friend-esque poseur or a poor deluded child?

(pictured two badasses chillaxing)

Trademark This

2009-09-20T19:37:00.004-04:00

So I'm writing response letters to some creative nonfiction essays, and I notice one of the students keeps capitalizing laundromat. So my marginalia cries, "Why? What's so proper about this laundromat?" Then I go to type up my comments and every time I type laundromat Word forces the capital Laundromat. Seriously? I do a little reading and it turns out it's just one corporation protecting another.

My love of Word is no secret. Here's another autocratic slip that shows the foulness of the MS soul. Too much? The point is that just on practical terms forcing the capital is a mistake because it makes the reader stop because the registered trademark is for a washing machine, not, as everyone understands, the place one goes to use a washing machine.

But more importantly, when words become part of the language, they belong to the people, not a corporation. Get over it kleenex.

Copyright
© 2009
S. Craig Renfroe, Jr.

Totally Book Porn

2009-09-14T22:14:00.004-04:00

My friend Mel sent me the link to this photo blog Book Lovers Never Go to Bed Alone, calling it "totally book porn" and it's certainly corrupting the morals of the good non-reading public everywhere--if everywhere is this link right here.

Mourning the Perfect Word

2009-09-10T23:07:00.002-04:00

I've just tried out Google Docs. And I'm wondering if this will one day push out Word. Which makes me think about how I loved WordPerfect so much and how I had to give it up for Word--forced kicking and screaming because of compatibility. Stupid, stupid Word. WordPerfect is still out there, like an unrequited lover.

The Death of Summer or How I Draw a Paycheck

2009-08-31T17:27:00.003-04:00

School is in. And responsibilities loom over my puttering around. Which often, inexplicably, means I get more puttering done. Not really inexplicable because I have to prioritize my puttering, put my puttering first. These are things I've learned from the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, which I have never read but bought for a quarter at a garage sale from someone I suspect had not read it either. Point being, I'm teaching again. Shaping young minds. I try not to think about that too much. It's paralyzing if you do. Like the Larkin poem: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad./ They may not mean to, but they do."

(pictured: goats puttering)

My Ideal Fiction List Is Up on Flatmancrooked

2009-08-25T20:27:00.004-04:00

So the folks over at the irrepressible Flatmancrooked came up with their ideal fiction anthologies and asked some of the writers they've published for their lists. Mine is up in Part III. Be sure to check out Parts I & II. I notice that many get real defensive about their lists and include disclaimers or get defiant as if expecting their choices to cause bar fights. Me included. I'm not making a point. Just noticing. I like to notice stuff.

Cool: The Collagist

2009-08-21T18:44:00.003-04:00

Probably you've already checked out the first issue of The Collagist, a new online literary magazine from Dzanc, because I'm usually late to the party. If not, you should. Really. Because as previously stated, it is cool. It includes work by and about Gordon Lish. And even some Easter-egg-style goodies, like the Michael Martone contributor note story.

Flatmancrooked & My Last Minute

2009-08-14T17:01:00.003-04:00

I'm a last minute person...because I'm essentially lazy. So I thought I'd mention the 2009 Flatmancrooked Prize judged by Aimee Bender. It's deadline is, oh, Aug. 15th, which is what tomorrow? Anyway, for any procrastinators out there...

I should also mention their new innovative program called LAUNCH, where they launch the career of a new writer by asking for readers to buy shares in that career. Read more because I'm too lazy for the details. The writer in question is the cool Emma Straub, who according to the faucet of fact Facebook will write you a love letter if you launch her.

And to continue the unsolicited testimonial, because I like the cut of these people's jib, their blog articles never disappoint.

I Have Been Carred

2009-08-12T15:50:00.005-04:00

I hated cars well before it was cool. Not for any earth-saving reasons, I mean the supernova-ing sun's going to take care of this place soon enough, right? But just the general resentment--all I wanted was a way from point A to B and I get saddled with a constant source of nuisance. And I'm not a fan of speed. I'm a fan of slow. Of porches. And god knows I'd never buy a new car--a racket if ever there was one, paying for the car-salesman aggravation and instant depreciation.

So naturally, the other day I bought a new car. I blame Heather, who so loves cars she has a pet name for hers which I won't reveal because out of context it sounds dirty...I should probably just not bring it up. Also, I blame the last junk heap that hauled my ungrateful self around which died before it could claim any of that cash for being a clunker.

Anyway, we got an '09 Elantra Touring. Here's my review: it's nice.

Stuff That's Going On

2009-07-29T22:12:00.002-04:00

Here's some stuff that's going on:

Dogzplot is having a huge reading weekend bender in Atlantic City (pictured).
The Fiction Circus lays out the Booker Prize--isn't there a Man in there somewhere now?

People are busy. Well, I'm not. But people, people are busy.

A Well Known Book I Haven't Read

2009-07-27T21:45:00.003-04:00

So it's summer, and I'm actually reading things other than student work, but it just reminds me of things I haven't read that I feel like I should. Today's book I have not read is Independence Day by Richard Ford. That's right, haven't read that one. But one of my past professors told a story about how he was jerk, so that probably makes it okay.

Bram Stoker Had Grey Eyes

2009-07-19T20:37:00.003-04:00

Grey, gray, grey, grey, definitely. Reading a Stoker biography and turns out he had grey eyes and loved it! So does one of my brothers, though I'm not sure about his feelings on having said grey eyes. Why do I bring it up? No reason.

"Scientist Mad" nominated for Best of the Net

2009-07-15T21:43:00.004-04:00

So the good people at decomP nominated my story "Scientist Mad" for Best of the Net 2009. The other nods include:

Stories:

Adam Moorad - "Star-Spangled Enterprise"

Poems:

Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz - "A SHORT HISTORY OF UNUSUAL FISH"

Kristin Dombrowski - "Bog"

Kira Hesser - "inertia / inner / in her"

Heather Momyer - "Dead Dog"

Iftekhar Sayeed - "the early mangoes"

Buff Whitman-Bradley - "Aerial Intercourse"

Me on LITnIMAGE

2009-07-09T00:05:00.003-04:00

So my story "Paternity" (that's right, fatherhood comes natural to me--though it hasn't right yet) is in the Summer 2009 issue of the illustrious LITnIMAGE. Not only does it have a great look as you'd expect considering the name (in this issue check out Leslie Ditto's bizarro cool work) but has also published some killer fiction in the past, including Jenny William's “The Fisherman’s Wife”, which won the 2008 Million Writers Award.

Why Would You Want to Kill the Author...Unless...

2009-06-30T22:55:00.000-04:00

So the first issue of > kill author is up with great pieces from Barry Graham, Brad Green, and J. A. Tyler, among others. The editorial staff of > kill author has chosen to remain anonymous, claiming that the reputation of editors is getting in the way of something, what's that thing called that people don't care about having anymore...integrity?

Though the mag is literary in tone and the title comes from a Roland Barthes quote and though they deny being robots, I can only assume that they are, in fact, editors come back from the dead...zombie editors. But not famous ones like Gordon Lish or Max Perkins. No these are middle-management, zombie editors. Though don't get me wrong, they do an excellent job, especially when you consider a zombie's imprecise motor skills.

Me on Flatmancrooked

2009-06-28T23:34:00.003-04:00

So my story "Come, Come Away to Sumerville" is featured at Flatmancrooked. And if you haven't already, you should read their great blog with series like Deena Drewis' on the state of the short story--pretty good in case you're wondering and too lazy to read, which is sad because you are, in fact, reading this very second. Relax, you've stopped now.

Ever Get That Feeling?

2009-06-24T15:35:00.002-04:00

You know the one. Where you've come to the end of a book and you were so engrossed in that fictional world that you can't pry your consciousness out of it. So you wander the real world fuzzy headed with a sense of anticipation that is never satisfied but only dissipates. Is this what old age will feel like?

Give the Show a Disembodied Hand

2009-06-12T10:17:00.004-04:00

Went to see Evil Dead: The Musical last night, and it has restored my faith in musicals. In my humble opinion, zombies and lots of fake blood would improve any musical. Take The Sound of Music, for instance.

Me in DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION ANTHOLOGY 2009

2009-06-08T19:30:00.003-04:00

That's right, My braggadocio continues. Two in a row. This is old news, but I recently found out that my piece "Sermon on an Anthill" is included in the upcoming DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION ANTHOLOGY 2009. Here is a list of all the authors including the other, better ones:

CONTRIBUTORS INCLUDE (alphabetically):

DAVID AICHENBAUM
C. EDWARD ANABLE
CORBY ANDERSON
BILL BARR
RUSTY BARNES
LAUREN BECKER
ERIC BENNETT
CL BLEDSOE
BEN BROOKS
RANDALL BROWN
CHRISTY CALL (COVER ART)
DAVE CLAPPER
LYDIA COPELAND
SPENCER DEW
ROBERT A. DOLLESIN
NICOLLE ELIZABETH
KATHY FISH
TIMOTHY GAGER
MOLLY GAUDRY
ROXANE GAY
ALICIA GIFFORD
BARRY GRAHAM
KYLE HEMMINGS
JAMIE IREDELL
ALEXANDRA ISACSON
BRYAN JONES
HARDY JONES
DREW KALBACH
KIP KNOTT
CHARLES LENNOX
SEAN LOVELACE
ANTONIOS MALTEZOS
RAVI MANGLA
CORTNEY MCLELLAN
STEVEN J. MCDERMOTT
KYLE MINOR
KIM PARKO
JENNIFER PIERONI
SAM PINK
TED POWERS
S. CRAIG RENFROE, JR.
FORREST ROTH
EDMUND SANDOVAL
PETER SCHWARTZ
M. BARTLEY SEIGEL
EMILY SIEGENTHALER
ANI SMITH
CLAUDIA SMITH
AUDRI SOUSA
ATHENA STRICKLAND
ROBB TODD
ANIA VESENNY
JARED WARD
BRANDI WELLS
BLYTHE WINSLOW
XTX
ORLO YEAHBLIP
MIKE YOUNG

Pre-order now!

Me on The Fiction Circus

2009-06-03T20:37:00.003-04:00

So I'm back from Ireland just in time for the good times. One of the good times has to do with the job The Fiction Circus has done on the reprint of my story "Biopsy Doppelganger." And they did the works. It has this accompanying illustration by Pyotr Janecek, Madman. That would be more than anyone deserves, but there's more: an audio track of the story read by Goodman Carter and Cordula Nonchalant with a music track by the same Goodman Carter. But wait! There's more! The story will also be in the print version of fiction circus: jonathan franzen edition. And if that weren't enough, because it's more than should be expected, Stephen Future's post about the story is embarrassingly positive and erudite...well the erudite bit is not embarrassing, it's really more impressive. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that The Fiction Circus is good people.

My Favorite Place in the Whole Wide World

2009-05-26T07:07:00.002-04:00

Okay, maybe not THE favorite, but certainly ONE of the places I could just spend eternity. The other day, we visited Trinity College Library where the main attraction is the Book of Kells, but I feel like the Long Room always trumps it. And this time they had an excellent exhibit on the origins of the detective story called "The Body in the Library." Book heaven.

Oh Feck

2009-05-25T09:55:00.003-04:00

A Conversation in Dingle

2009-05-21T11:04:00.004-04:00

So here is a conversation between one of my colleagues (C) and an older drunken Irish person (DIP) while we were buying chocolate at the Centra grocery store in Dingle. My colleague's dialogue has been omitted because it hardly matters:

DIP: From America you are, aren't you. What part?
C: .....
DIP: I've been to North Carolina. Horrible, horrible place North Carolina. They have a swamp there.
C: .....
DIP: I've been to New York nine times. Nine times. And Chicago. And Pittsburgh.
C: .....
DIP: Have you been to San Francisco?
C: .....
DIP: I want to go to San Francisco before I die. St. Patrick's cathedral. Market St.
C: .....
DIP: (with increasing volume) Go to San Francisco and die. Go to San Francisco and die. Go to San Francisco and die.
C: .....

(Pictured: a statue of Fungi the dolphin who plays in the harbor at Dingle. Not pictured: drunken Irish person, death, or San Francisco)

What Are You Looking At?

2009-05-20T11:37:00.002-04:00

The Aran Islands Were Beautiful But...

2009-05-18T17:37:00.003-04:00

There was a guy with a giant, stuffed red giraffe in the pub. Sad how that is the detail that comes to mind when I'm writing this brief post, while this girl loudly tries to pick up the hostel desk guy because she gave up her job, flew to Ireland for an Irishman, and he, the Irishman, today, the day she arrived, told her that he's decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. Lessons from travel: 1. Bring an stuffed animal to a pub and you'll be the life of the party. 2. Don't leave your job for an Irishman.

Shall We Sligo?

2009-05-15T16:40:00.004-04:00

So, I'm in Sligo. Land of Yeats. His epitaph: Cast a cold Eye/ On Life, on Death/ Horseman, pass by. Horseman, you should probably also pass by our hotel about which you should know:

Has no hot water.
Which makes sense since most of the rooms don't have heat.
Each room key opens all rooms.
The owners operate an illegal all-hours pub downstairs, where they have hen parties or at least a gaggle of girls singing Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" at 4:15 in the morning.
They serve a nice breakfast while still cleaning up the broken glass from the bar fight from previous night.
Traditional Irish music sessions include the "Johnny Cash" song "Hurt."
When we tell locals where we stay, they just laugh in an odd way.

My dear, horseman, pass by.

Celtic Cuisine

2009-05-05T16:51:00.004-04:00

So I am done with the semester and now preparing for the Ireland trek, much like Star Trek, but in Ireland, not the stars, and with no aliens or pointy ears, except for the faeries. Though some of the students going on the study tour are weird.

In the prep class, we teach them about the Celts. In Dora Jane Hamblin's "Once Maligned, Celts Are Now Touted as the First Europeans," we learn that they were "Wild and woolly...from their notable head and body hair." As you will no doubt remember from my bloging about it over a year ago, my family lore is that we are that genetic stew Scotch-Irish. But clearly from Hamblin's definition I must be some part Celt and if that weren't enough: "They [the woolly Celts] never went in for what the Romans called 'city eating,' that is, elaborate sauces and spices." We all know how I feel about condiments! I have found my people. And they are dead.

Heffalump on Parade

2009-04-30T22:59:00.003-04:00

Heather and I discovered the other day that someone at Disney was obsessed with frightening psychedelic elephants. After she reminded me of the Winnie the Pooh dream sequence with the Heffalumps and Woozles, I instantly remembered the tramua of seeing the pink elephants on parade bit in Dumbo. This connection isn't frighteningly impressive, since apparently it was a practice to cannibalize earlier animation at Disney, but the pleasant discovery was that the Dumbo "trip" was created before the recreational release of LSD...so perhaps the creators had...what is that...what is that called? Oh, an imagination. A kid-terrifying imagination...

"Stick" selected as one of storySouth's Million Writers Award Notable Stories of 2008

2009-04-24T14:42:00.003-04:00

Turns out my story "Stick" originally published in 3:AM Magazine has been selected as one of storySouth's Million Writers Award Notable Stories of 2008. And I'm in good company with other notables from Roland Goity, Sam Pink, Kyle "I have four notables" Minor, Molly Gaudry, Blake Butler, Myfanwy Collins, Nathan Leslie, J. A. Tyler, and Heather Fowler.

And, of course, lots more, including my old foe: Lee Smith.

Me on Night Train

2009-04-21T18:22:00.002-04:00

So my story "How Would You Know?" is up on the marvelous Night Train.

XX Eccentric: Discount Running Out

2009-04-16T23:58:00.003-04:00

XX Eccentric
Stories About the Eccentricities of Women
A 2009 MSR Short Fiction Anthology

Edited by S. Craig Renfroe, Jr.

ISBN 13: 978-1-59948-187-6, cover price $16.95

* * * The anticipated release date is May 18. The Advance Discount Price of $9 (+ $1 S&H) will be available until April 27. These dates are subject to change. Please note that ordering in advance entitles the buyer to a discount, but does not mean the book will be received before the release date. * * *

The book can be ordered from the Coming Soon page of the MSR Online Bookstore. Here is a link that will take you directly there: http://www.mainstreetrag.com/store/

Please note: For those who would rather not order online, may also be ordered by check or credit card directly from the publisher; however, the discount is not as much if ordered this way ($12/book--postage included). Send to: Main Street Rag, PO BOX 690100, Charlotte, NC 28227-7001. Credit card orders, call 704-573-2516 (M-F 9am-5pm EST).

Why I Should Be Twittering Right Now

2009-04-14T22:47:00.002-04:00

Old News

2009-04-14T00:10:00.003-04:00

This is probably old news, but I'm reading Nick Hornby's collection of his columns in The Believer called The Polysyllabic Spree, which I got from the sale. Hornby quotes Gabriel Zaid's So Many Books: "the truly cultured are capable of owning thousands of unread books without losing their composure or their desire for more." Hornby goes on to add: "That's me! And you, probably! That's us! 'Thousands of unread books'! 'Truly cultured'!"

God bless them both!

NatPoMo v. NaPoWriMo

2009-04-06T19:36:00.005-04:00

Not since sitting about the large conference table in grad school and unselfconciously spouting the term PoMo (postmodernism, natch) have I had such fun as April. I get all aflutter just thinking about bugging Heather with the term NatPoMo. And then I heard about National Poetry Writing Month...NaPoWriMo. Haha.

April Fools

2009-04-03T19:21:00.005-04:00

So a student for an April Fool's prank slipped in a fake assignment: A Notated Bible-o-Graphy. Sadly true to the reality of research among most students, the sources were from old reliables like Wikipedia and "google." Though, this research "detailed" the JFK assassination conspiracy involving Beowulf armed with a Hans Solo blaster. An A if ever I saw one.

Pictured the flying spaghetti monster because "It talks about the religion and it is origin."